Who am I? A shame and scandal in my family

I discovered that my father was not my biological father when I needed a birth certificate for my graduation: only the familyname of my mother was written on it, Van Hensbeek, and not my father’s familyname, Meyer. From that moment my quest began. Up to this day no one in the family wants to tell me the truth.

The story of Warlovechild Roy Meyer

I often think of the lyrics "Who am I? A shame and scandal in the family” when I think about my background and the taboo about it in my family. What might have happened in the past of my mother?

I, Roy John Meyer, was born in Surabaya on December 16, 1947, son of Anthoinette van Hensbeek or Nettie as she was called. My mother came from a wealthy Indo-European family. Her parents lived in a big house in Surabaya, in the Strip Jan Luciusstraat. Her father was a Dutchman, her mother, an Indonesian princess. Every child had their own babu, and for each grandchild there was a babu in the house too.

The day after delivery my birth was registered by my uncle Lex Sanders, the man of my aunt Ciska. And finally I was given away to this aunt and uncle, because they could not get children themselves. Until about my fourth or fifth year I lived with my uncle and aunt, and then came back into the family of my mother and father.

Father Meyer

I did not know better than that Meyer was my father. But things turned out a bit different, as I noted during my graduation from high school. My mother got married to Meyer in July 1948, this is seven months after my birth. Together they got a boy who is born in July 1949, and subsequently the family, with my aunt and uncle and myself, left for the Netherlands, sometime in 1950 or 1951, when all the Dutch left Indonesia. In the Netherlands, another two of my brothers were born. According to the papers that I've seen, Meyer has officially recognized me on March 13, 1952. So that's when we lived in the Netherlands.

My mother died when I was 12 years old. I grew up with my aunt, a sister of my mother. And only at the end of high school I discovered the "family secret": I was born to another father.

The Indian adat

I could not ask my mother for clarification because she died when I was not aware of these things. And the contact with my father, Meyer, has never been that good that I could ask him about it. He was a real KNIL man, and you did not talk about these things. But I only now understand the meaning of all arguments and disputes that took place between my mother and father.

Approximately one year before Meyer died, I asked him again. He told me that my real father was a Dutch soldier and had gone back to the Netherlands. He knew no name or nothing.

Not so long ago my daughter and I visited the eldest sister of my mother again for clarification. But all the time we are getting general answers like "she was raped” or  “he is perhaps already dead, why do you want to know all this." And she does not want to talk about it. Like the rest of the family, everyone keeps his mouth shut. The shame is too bit, that is the Indo-European adat. But I think I do not need to be ashamed. Where is it all good for, to conceal all those things for me?

The family secret

When I heard about the website of Warlovechild, I placed a call immediately. Because of this, I was interviewed for the regional radio Omrop Friesland, as announcement for the television broadcasting of your film Sir Daddy.

I visited the Contact Day in September 2010. I told the visitors about my family history. When they heard about all these things, my family may apparently have thought: "Maybe we should tell him anyway, because he is really serious about this." I went again to my aunt to talk about it. She told me that my biological father might have been a civilian instead of a military man. And one day my uncle called me: "There is an Indo-European man here around in the city, who looks very much like you. That could well be your father. He looks exactly the same as you. And he knows your mother. My aunt had once told a cousin: "The father of Roy is called Mooyman. But you can never tell him, that's a family secret.” And that cousin told it to me. And the man that my uncle was referring to, was also named Mooyman ....

Recognition

The next week I already went to visit this man. Of course I did not mention that I thought maybe I was his son. I said I had heard that he and my mother had known each other and that I would like to hear some more about her, because she had deceased so early. I had brought my daughter, who looks a lot like my mother. He received us very kindly. When he saw my daughter, he immediately called my mother's name: he saw the resemblance. But the whole thing got a bit more complicated: he has a wife and four daughters, and his wife was there during the interview. Well, you obviously do not immediately come up with the suggestion “can it be that I am your son?" I thought it was quite remarkable that one of his daughters was named Anthoinette, just like my mother. And one of my daughters is also called Anthoinette. I thought: so this is my father. But I did not show anything.

The man really knew my mother well. I asked cautiously some details, to see if things did match and he was my father. Halfway 1947 he left Indonesia for New Guinea as an employee for the Dutch Oil Company. So probably he had not known that my mother was pregnant with him.

I had very mixed feelings during that conversation. I was relieved that I had found him. But I was afraid, because now I had to go on. I did not say, "I could be your child”. I only said, "I am a child of Nettie, born before she married Meyer. We just talked. Nobody had drawn a conclusion yet during that conversation. And so we said good-bye. I thought it was just enough.

But you know what's strange? I had no feelings for him, there was no spark jumping over. I had met my father, but nothing happened to me.

The DNA test

Two weeks later I visited him again. During that second visit he admitted that he indeed had had intercourse with my mother. He told me, while his wife was sitting there too: "I was in love with Nettie. There was joy that we were liberated from the Japanese. There was a festive feeling. Things like that happen." He is old, 85 years, and he just began to cry. His wife was very thoughtful. They did not have a relationship at that time, so she did not make a point of it. And so I informed him about my suspicions. He was willing to have a DNA test. Finally there would come an end to my quest.

A week later we came together again for the DNA test. But what a surprise: all of his children were present and wanted to meet me! That day I also heard that he had sometimes talked about my mother and had spoken about her with them. He even had a picture of my mother, he had been so in love with her. They regarded me as their new brother now. The atmosphere was so cosy, I was completely accepted by them. When we had to say goodbye, tears jumped into everybody’s eyes, and so we went home. My father had never known Nettie had become pregnant. They were both young, 21 years, and then he was transferred to New Guinea for his work for the KPM. And now suddenly he had son!

December 22, 2010, we received the results of the DNA test. I could not believe it. The results were negative! This man, who had loved Nettie and whose children and wife had received me as if I was a lost brother, was not my father. Initially I was very angry and sad, because my uncle and aunts who are still alive, still can not let go and tell me the truth. They us their diseases as an excuse (Parkinson's and dementia) and keep telling it was so long ago, that they do not remember anymore.

But what makes me happy: for the family Mooyman it does not matter. They consider me as their adopted son and brother and just want to stay in touch. His wife accepts me as a son to her and I am always welcome.

My search goes on. And I hope someone of that old people will tell me the truth before it is too late. For it must be very bad, that family secret, when after 60 years still no one wants to talk about it.

The appeal of Roy with a request for information also appears in 'Your Search'

Do you know someone who is looking for his or her father, half brother or sister? Or do you know someone who traced her or his family? Please let us know! Contact Us