Hello father, it’s me: Elly, your child



"Indonesian women with Dutch husbands were killed. My mother and many other mothers, have long kept this secret. Only much later, she dared to tell that she had a Dutch husband. "

The story of Elly Hoektini in Kudus, Java

Elly Hoekstra was born Elly Hoektini: a conjugate of the surnames of her mother Ginem Sukartini and her father, the young Dutch soldier Theo Hoekstra. When Elly came into the world, her mother lived in the village Jangli, south of Semarang in Central Java. Her grandparents were real Javanese and came from Muntilan. At the time Ellie was born, her mother was 15 years old and her father probably around 20 years of age. It was right in the middle of the Military Actions in 1948.

Elly Hoekstra lives with two of her four children in a nice house with a yard in Kudus in Java. Her other two children are all married and left home. Her husband is deceased several years ago and is buried on the Islamic cemetery adjacent to the back of her house. To reach the grave of her husband, she only needs to walk through the side port of her back yard to lay down a twig with blossoms or to say a prayer. And when she is in bed, she is only three meters away from his tomb, separated by the outer wall of the bedroom. It gives her a comfortable feeling to always be close to him.

It's probably no coincidence that Elly likes to be near her husband, even though he doesn't live anymore. It gives the foothold that she herself has never known in her childhood. Elly is not raised by her young mother, nor has she ever met her father. The latter, the soldier Hoekstra, worked with the Engineers Corps of the Dutch army. His work consisted of the construction of dikes and building bridges for the military. For Elly this is an important nuance: he was not a "fighting soldier, but an engineer who was employed in the army. Elly: "At that time my mother brought food to the Dutch military barracks. She did that every day and at one point my father fell in love with her. They became a couple. Before they married my father was transferred to Salatiga, Ungaran and Yogyakarta, and ultimately he was again stationed in Jangli. Finally, they married in the village of Jangli. They lived in a simple house made ​​of bamboo. "

To the orphanage

Elly learned all this from her mother at a later age. "In 1948, when I was two months old, I was taken to the convent in Lawang Sewu, Semarang. According to Sister Ani it was my father himself who brought me there. He left me with a message at the nuns: "This, sister Ani, is my child, and I leave her here temporarily". Later Elly understood that many Dutch children were brought to Lawang Sewu to ensure that they would not be neglected. Elly: "It was a very difficult time. In 1949, heavy fighting broke out so the situation was very critical. In those days, children with Dutch ancestry were brought to Karang Panas for their safety and to protect them against the crisis of war."

When she was two years old, she was sent to the sisters in Gedangan, the Franciscan Nunnery. In that same year 1950, her father returned to the Netherlands. Elly: "Father had a plan that he had talked over with my mother. When my father would be back in the Netherlands and have a real house, he would have us, his wife and child, come over to live together. But that turned out false hope, I buried the idea, it was just a beautiful dream. Because from 1953, when the Netherlands were struck by major flooding, my mother heard nothing from my father anymore. "
My mother lived in a house made ​​of bamboo. During the crisis of war she hid photos and letters from my father between the bamboo walls of her house, in the bamboo nodes. But the house was set on fire by Indonesians, as an anti-Dutch action, so all important letters and documents, including the marriage certificate and some pictures, were destroyed.

The only picture I have is one of my mother with me. She always carried it with her in her purse. If she would have carried a photo of my father it would have been dangerous for her. That's why she only carried pictures without him. And it’s the reason that I only have a picture of me and my mother and no picture of my father. That was burnt.

Never outside

"At the time we lived with the nuns in Gedangan, we were never allowed to go outside the convent gate. We were only allowed out when our parents came to pick us up. One time my mom visited me in the orphanage. And a few times she picked me up to return to Jangli for some time, at the house where she lived. But my mother was afraid and she did not dare to show that she had a mixed-blooded child. The relationship between the Dutch and the Indonesians was very stiff. Indonesian women like my mother did not dare to admit that they had had Dutch husbands. Because if they knew that they were married to Dutch, they would be killed. My mother and many other mothers have kept it secret for a long time. Only later, when it became quieter, she dared to tell that she had a Dutch husband. "

Not to the Netherlands

"When I was in the Sekolah Rakyat of the orphanage (now called" Sekolah Dasar, elementary school), I was about seven, eight years old. Together with the other children of the orphanage, we were asked by Miss Ter Kuile of the Dutch Embassy whether we wanted go to the Netherlands. Eventually about 12 children who had an absent Dutch father were sent to the Netherlands. But not me. I thought I had the nuns and many girlfriends hhere, but I worried about what life would be like in the Netherlands. When I was in high school, five more children returned to the Netherlands. Also then I refused to go because I had even more friends and because I was not sure that I could find my father. Also because I had no brothers or sisters, I was the only child, I chose to be with my mother and stay in Indonesia."

The third wife

When Elly finally left the orphanage in 1966, she was 18 years old. The Dutch nuns all went to the Netherlands and advised Elly to be independent and not to stay in the orphanage. But Elly had never seen anything of the outside world. Her mother was also not someone she could lean on. Elly: "When my mother eventually re-married with an Indonesian, our relationship was not too harmonious, especially with the husband of my mother. He fancied me too much, but I did not want to comply. This was a second problem that I also had to handle." Elly felt compelled to minimize the contact with her mother and had to face life on her own.

She got a job in the sales department of pharmacy Kimia Farma and went from door to door to sell Kimia Farma products. Through that job she met the man she would marry soon after. Elly: "I had no chance to date because dating was not done. I met a man I liked so I immediately got married. "Better than being alone and unwanted", I thought. Finding work was difficult enough. Where could I find protection? I could not stay in the orphanage for my whole life!

The man I married, said he was a young, unmarried man, and I believed him. But it turned out he had lied to me. After I got married, I was a kid, his first wife came to tell that he was her husband. So I found out that my husband was already married to someone else. Even with two other women, I was the third wife! I felt very depressed. I was 20 years. Why should I be someone’s third wife? I decided to leave him and left with my child to Kudus. I thought it was better to raise my child on my own without a husband. In Kudus I met the man who would become my second husband. He was a bit old for me, but I felt safe. And I got a roof over my head, a small house. "

A family of her own

Elly and her husband have three more children. He dies when the children are still young and again Elly is alone. But now the knowledge and good education that she got in the orphanage by the nuns serve her well. The life with the nuns had been strict, very strict, but she learned a lot. And so Elly can take care of herself and gain an income: "I struggled for my children so they would not be given to someone else. I did not want my children to have the same life as I because I was abandoned by my parents and was put into an orphanage. I did not want to give my children to a family member or leave them at an orphanage. Whatever life would bring to me, how hard it would be, I would accept it and carry it and I would fight for my children. Eventually I sold nasi, elixirs, I worked as a maid. I washed and ironed clothes, all for my children. So they could go to school. For a better future. I want my children to have a normal life like other people. Although they experience grief, I do not want them to feel the pain I've had. Let it just be me who has to bear all this."

Two of her children are grown ups now and are no longer dependent on Elly’s care. Elly is even a grandmother. The other two are still living in her home and help her with earning money. She still works herself by cooking fried rice for lunch packages and sell these to businesses in the area. Elly also receives a small financial support from HALIN (Foundation Aid to Compatriots in Indonesia), so all in all she financially just keeps afloat.

Londo

In the years that Elly lived with the nuns of Gedangan, she rarely left the closed gate of the monastery complex. "We sometimes went out, to walk with the sisters. Since we were Dutch children, outside the gate we were always yelled at: "... Londo Londo Londo ..." (dirty Dutchman, whites). But in the orphanage we felt safe. We got an education and we had no problems with things that happened out there. Here my life was safer. When I was a kid and also later in my youth, I was also often bullied in our school by schoolmates who were not staying at the orphanage. Even when I was an adult, I was teased but that became less and less. Once the people got to know me, they were much friendlier. After a while they said that the Dutch were not as bad as what they had seen in the war.

Sometimes people ask me how I feel as a child of a Dutch parent. They think I feel less worth or ashamed or afraid. No! I am proud! Why should I be ashamed and afraid?! No, I'm not afraid and not ashamed either. It's just that my father was a soldier. And although my father worked as a soldier, he was not there to occupy us but he was there to build roads, bridges and building dikes. I'm proud of that!

Sometimes people think that I have feelings of revenge or that I am angry at my father because he left me. No! Because he was fighting for his country. I have no feelings about that, he was just a soldier. And soldiers simply fight for their country. So whatever has happened once, it was his responsibility. So I feel no vengeance and I claim nothing. But I’d love to meet him once. All I want is him, if only once, to meet."

Burden

After high school, the desire to meet her dad got stronger. She wanted to start a search. But where to start? Elly wanted to use the surname of her father to emphasize her relation to him and changed in later life her name Hoektini into Hoekstra, even though the name Hoektini meant a lot to her. Elly: "I was already 40 or maybe 50 years old. The desire to meet my father really did not diminish but grew stronger. Through a friend who lives in Kudus, I had a contact in the Netherlands, Uncle Pender. He brought the Dutch television program ‘Find my family’ (Spoorloos) to my atention. They asked me for leads and documents, but I did not have them. Nor did my mother. After all, everything was burned. They found someone in Limburg who was also called Hoekstra. But they had doubts whether he really was my father, Theo Hoekstra. So they stopped searching. It took no avail.

Elly: "I am now 61, almost 62, my dad and I have never met. What would his face look like? Because when I want to see him, I can not even pick up the pictures because they are no longer there after the fire in my mother's house. But I do not give up the courage even though I am afraid that I have to resign. Here and there I'm still looking for information. Until now there has never been any message or sign of life. Friends of mine, Nana and Dientje, both also warlovechildren from the orphanage, have finally found their father. Nana was so happy when she told that she had met her father! So I always live with the hope that my own father will be able to meet me again, if only for a moment. For what is left of our lives. Because I realize that he must be very old.

But the loss that I feel is so deep that it really hurts. And my hope is so fervent that God may make my dream come true. I would love to be able to say to somebody: ‘Hi dad, it’s me, Elly Hoekstra, your child.’”

Interview and text: Annegriet Wietsma
Translation from Indonesian interview: Siswandi Mikharal

Do you recognize yourself in this story, did you yourself had to leave a child in Indonesia? Or do you know someone who is looking for his child, his or her father, half brother or half sister? Or have found him or her?
Please let us know!